He finds his fathers gun
thinking of what his classmates said.
He doesn't cry, not a single tear
as he put the gun up to his head.
Why must you cause pain for love?
Why can't you just leave it be?
Don't be the cause of someone's death
Don't cause their misery.
She gathers all the prescription drugs in the house
and takes it all, 3 pills at a time.
It takes her a while, to finish it all,
even now she feels like grime.
Why must you cause pain for love?
Why can't you just leave it be?
Don't be the cause of someone's death
don't cause them misery.
He goes to the garage, to find some rope
and ties a deadly knot.
He lays his head inside the noose
and steps off an oversize pot.
Why must you cause pain for love?
Why can't you just leave it be?
Don't be the cause of someone's death.
Don't cause them misery.
He looks at the roaring water beneath him
remembering all the threats.
As he jumps into the raging river
he knows he has no regrets.
Why must you cause pain for love?
Why can't you just leave it be?
Don't be the cause of someone's death.
Don't cause them misery.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
boring skies to bright eyes
The world surrounding me is all in shades of grey and beige. The cars, the streets, the sky, each object is blending into another. Even the usually bright green of the fake grass seems grey. The overcast sky that stretches over our entire beige world mixes into the building, the people, the streets. Everything is bland. Everything is nothing.
Until I see you. Yes, your body, just like everyone else's, blends into its surrounding, as if you were just part of the scenery. But something makes you stand out. It's your eyes. The bright yellow, as if pure gold had been melted just for your irises, surrounding the tiny dot of a pupil, it stands alone, the only sharp color in this dull world.
Until I see you. Yes, your body, just like everyone else's, blends into its surrounding, as if you were just part of the scenery. But something makes you stand out. It's your eyes. The bright yellow, as if pure gold had been melted just for your irises, surrounding the tiny dot of a pupil, it stands alone, the only sharp color in this dull world.
Friday, October 8, 2010
I won't lie
I could tell you I love you
and list the reasons why
I could tell you hundreds of adjectives
to describe the color of your eye
I could tell you how cute your chin is
Just to see you blush
I could whisper it right into your ear
Just to make your whole face flush
I could tell you that I would give up
Chocolate, beef and cheese
I could tell you I love every part of you
Even your messed up knees
I could tell you to look at the moon
And know that I see it too
That I'll be with you always
And my heart will never fall eschew
I could tell you so many things
And all of them are true
I'll say them over and over again
So that you know they're all true
and list the reasons why
I could tell you hundreds of adjectives
to describe the color of your eye
I could tell you how cute your chin is
Just to see you blush
I could whisper it right into your ear
Just to make your whole face flush
I could tell you that I would give up
Chocolate, beef and cheese
I could tell you I love every part of you
Even your messed up knees
I could tell you to look at the moon
And know that I see it too
That I'll be with you always
And my heart will never fall eschew
I could tell you so many things
And all of them are true
I'll say them over and over again
So that you know they're all true
Thursday, September 30, 2010
What happened to us?
I hate that I’m sitting in bed
crying instead
Because you just left
And I walked away
Once, you perfected me
You had protected me
But now you’ve rejected me
Why won’t you let me in
What happened to us?
Why aren’t you here?
Why can’t I kiss you
Without all the fear?
Fuck, if I know
Fuck, if I know
Staring at the wall
Waiting for your call
But you’re with someone else
No, you’re not with me
Once, you perfected me
You had protected me
But now you’ve rejected me
Why won’t you let me in
What happened to us?
Why aren’t you here?
Why can’t I kiss you
Without all the fear?
Fuck, if I know
Fuck, if I know
Now you’re gone
I’ve pushed you away
I’ve pushed you away
Now you’re gone
You’ve pushed me away
You’ve pushed me away
Once you perfected me
You had protected me
But now you’ve rejected me.
Why won’t you let me in
Why won’t you let me in
Saturday, September 18, 2010
so many questions
Why do we ignore all the good things?
Do we just look past,
Not following their strings?
Why do we over analyze?
Thinking too much,
do we patronize?
Why do we get distracted?
Then think back
and wonder why we reacted?
Why do we need someone?
Can't we make it on our own,
or will we have no fun?
Why do we react so badly?
When people are different,
Why can't we be happy?
Do we just look past,
Not following their strings?
Why do we over analyze?
Thinking too much,
do we patronize?
Why do we get distracted?
Then think back
and wonder why we reacted?
Why do we need someone?
Can't we make it on our own,
or will we have no fun?
Why do we react so badly?
When people are different,
Why can't we be happy?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
School so far: notes from the third day
Dear Lovies,
As some of you may know, I have started school already. I don't know why you would know this, I'm just assuming some of you do. If there are any of you, but let's not get into that right at this moment. My over all day is somewhere between mas o menos and bien, probably about 2/3 of the way to the bien side.
First, I have Chemistry. It is first period, so it starts at 7:05, and it is the first of my second "new" teachers. She's a little scattered, but she is really nice, and you can tell that she really wants us to learn. So far, Chemistry itself is mostly math, but we're only three days in. I heard it's a lot of math, but I don't think it will be ALL math. We need some science, anyways.
Second, I have Spanish 2. I do generally like Spanish because it comes somewhat naturally--as naturally as a foreign language can come-- and it has no homework. I like my teacher a lot. He has a lot of cheesey jokes and he's really nice. Plus, he has a couch and 2 sets of chairs and high tables from Johnny Rockets. How cool is that?
Third, I have English. With the same teacher I had last year, for the same period. Last year, her class was kind of a mess, and I had some trouble getting work done because she was easy, but I heard that she's a lot harder on her sophomores. At least with the work, anyways. We're about to start "book club" as she calls it, where we break up into groups and read a book from a list or whatever. My friends and I picked The Virgin Suicides, which is written from the point of view from 5 boys trying to figure out the suicides of these 5 sisters they went on a date with. I'm really looking forward to it.
Fourth, I have symphonic band, which I loooove, even though I'm really bad at clarinet. I know I'm bad, and I'm sure almost everyone in band would prefer it if I didn't play, but I just love the feeling of playing, especially when I play it right. I just get caught up in the music and it's such a wonderful feeling. Not to mention, that my close circle of friends are all in symphonic band! Talk about awesome. I do want to switch to bass clarinet by my Junior year though. I like low tones better.
Fifth, I have AP Euro, which I'm not liking too much. Not only is it filled with all the honors kids who hardly look at me, let alone talk to me, and are probably still wondering how the hell I got into the honors system, let alone managed to last a whole three years. But it's not just the people. The teacher has just come from middle school, has nothing set up, and just gives us these long power points lectures, during which we are supposed to copy down as much information from said slides while he talks at us, assuming that we're listening while writing. Worst of all, he makes us do Cornell Notes, and seeing as I haven't done those since the eighth grade not only makes it really obvious that he came from a middle school, but I had actually forgotten how to do it. It sucks.
Sixth period, and my last period until I am allowed to turn in a form to (sadly) add P.E. to my schedule since I dropped marching band, I have algebra 2. My teacher seems to have a handle on everything. She's been teaching for a while, so that's not surprising, but it's nice to have a teacher who knows what they're doing. She's really nice and friendly, but you know that if you mess with her then you'll be in for something not so fun.
So far, school's been pretty decent. My sister has started her freshmen year, made a friend, and hangs out at the same spot as I do. I don't mind though, long as she's not a brat to my friends.
As some of you may know, I have started school already. I don't know why you would know this, I'm just assuming some of you do. If there are any of you, but let's not get into that right at this moment. My over all day is somewhere between mas o menos and bien, probably about 2/3 of the way to the bien side.
First, I have Chemistry. It is first period, so it starts at 7:05, and it is the first of my second "new" teachers. She's a little scattered, but she is really nice, and you can tell that she really wants us to learn. So far, Chemistry itself is mostly math, but we're only three days in. I heard it's a lot of math, but I don't think it will be ALL math. We need some science, anyways.
Second, I have Spanish 2. I do generally like Spanish because it comes somewhat naturally--as naturally as a foreign language can come-- and it has no homework. I like my teacher a lot. He has a lot of cheesey jokes and he's really nice. Plus, he has a couch and 2 sets of chairs and high tables from Johnny Rockets. How cool is that?
Third, I have English. With the same teacher I had last year, for the same period. Last year, her class was kind of a mess, and I had some trouble getting work done because she was easy, but I heard that she's a lot harder on her sophomores. At least with the work, anyways. We're about to start "book club" as she calls it, where we break up into groups and read a book from a list or whatever. My friends and I picked The Virgin Suicides, which is written from the point of view from 5 boys trying to figure out the suicides of these 5 sisters they went on a date with. I'm really looking forward to it.
Fourth, I have symphonic band, which I loooove, even though I'm really bad at clarinet. I know I'm bad, and I'm sure almost everyone in band would prefer it if I didn't play, but I just love the feeling of playing, especially when I play it right. I just get caught up in the music and it's such a wonderful feeling. Not to mention, that my close circle of friends are all in symphonic band! Talk about awesome. I do want to switch to bass clarinet by my Junior year though. I like low tones better.
Fifth, I have AP Euro, which I'm not liking too much. Not only is it filled with all the honors kids who hardly look at me, let alone talk to me, and are probably still wondering how the hell I got into the honors system, let alone managed to last a whole three years. But it's not just the people. The teacher has just come from middle school, has nothing set up, and just gives us these long power points lectures, during which we are supposed to copy down as much information from said slides while he talks at us, assuming that we're listening while writing. Worst of all, he makes us do Cornell Notes, and seeing as I haven't done those since the eighth grade not only makes it really obvious that he came from a middle school, but I had actually forgotten how to do it. It sucks.
Sixth period, and my last period until I am allowed to turn in a form to (sadly) add P.E. to my schedule since I dropped marching band, I have algebra 2. My teacher seems to have a handle on everything. She's been teaching for a while, so that's not surprising, but it's nice to have a teacher who knows what they're doing. She's really nice and friendly, but you know that if you mess with her then you'll be in for something not so fun.
So far, school's been pretty decent. My sister has started her freshmen year, made a friend, and hangs out at the same spot as I do. I don't mind though, long as she's not a brat to my friends.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Here I go again
Here I go again
but that feeling won't go away.
Should I go ahead and ask?
Will you meet me halfway?
Here I go again.
Jealousy has found it's way
into my head
and won't go away
Here I go again.
You're off with a friend.
And I know I'm not okay,
but for now I'll play pretend.
Here I go again.
I'm at a dead end.
Is it just me,
or are you seeing a trend?
Here I go again,
stressing out over you.
I'm just so scared
that you'll find someone new
Here I go again,
someone should through a coup.
A whole new leader in my head
so i can start anew.
but that feeling won't go away.
Should I go ahead and ask?
Will you meet me halfway?
Here I go again.
Jealousy has found it's way
into my head
and won't go away
Here I go again.
You're off with a friend.
And I know I'm not okay,
but for now I'll play pretend.
Here I go again.
I'm at a dead end.
Is it just me,
or are you seeing a trend?
Here I go again,
stressing out over you.
I'm just so scared
that you'll find someone new
Here I go again,
someone should through a coup.
A whole new leader in my head
so i can start anew.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
My Religious Views
Dear lovies,
I'm trying to figure this out as I'm writing this, so bear with me, okay? First off, I'm not searching for a religion, I am merely just trying to define what I believe in, and i decided to share it with you. How you respond is, as always, entirely up to you.
Let's start with my parents. My mom was raised in a Mormon family, though by the time she was a teenager her and her brother would play cards in the car wall the rest of the family was at church. My dad was raised Catholic until he was thirteen, then he's parents converted to scientology, a "religion" that has been negatively interracting with some people dear to me, ever since. My dad is no longer a scientologist, but he did have trouble when my sister was first put on medication for her ADHD. Though he has come a long way since then, I don't think he'll be joining my mother's anti-scientology "cult" (my brother, his wife, my girlfriend and I have all been converted by her into the ways of anti-scientology, so we tell her she has a cult) anytime soon.
In fifth grade I meant to Mormon church for a little under a year, but more as a social thing than a spiritual thing.
Last year, I went to THE mega church, Saddleback Church, and at first it started as a social thing, but soon it became somewhat spiritual for me. I was baptised there one night, and at that moment, I did accept Jesus into my heart. I know it's corny, but it's true. I stopped going after the sex talk, when it was announced that being gay was a sin. I mean, yes, I should've seen it coming, but I couldn't help but thinking that they were going to say it was okay, and then everything was going to be so much easier because then at elast half the people at my school (i'm not kidding) wouldn't believe I was a sinner for being so in love with another girl. I ended up leaving with Myriam right after they announced that and we cried outside of teh building until the end of the service. When her mom found out what happened, she went inside of the building and bitched out some of the people who partook in the sermon for having scarred to teenage girls. You know what the worst part is? One of the people there assumed they knew what she was going through because he brother was gay. I don't think anyone can understand the feeling of a mother knowing someone made her daughter feel like scum. Yes, they worded it nicely and all that jazz, but when it comes down to it, they still said that God rejected us. God rejected us for loving someone and there was nothing we could do about it but stop loving them. Which is totally lame, because if God created me, then he created me a lesbian. I know that in the eyes of Christian's I chose this, but why would anyone choose to be ridiculed for lust? Honestly. Seriously, some of these people honestly believe that we choose to fall in love. I don't think anyone chooses to fall in love, whether it be with a man or woman.
This year I have been to The City Church, Inland Empire once or twice. My birth mom and my brother Carson's family go there and it is so much more spiritual than Saddleback. You don't have to believe in God to feel it either. There's about 20 people in a small room in the holiday in and Jack, the preacher, is passionately preaching into the heart and soul of every person in that room.
So as to what I currently believe? I believe that the bible is full of stories on how to conduct your life, and I don't necessarily believe in all of them. I believe that there is something out there, watching, maybe pulling our strings, who rewards us for doing something good. I do pray, and my prayers are usually answered, so I make sure to thank for the good things in life too. I don't know for sure if anyone is listening to them, but I hope so. And maybe that's what I believe in. Hope.
I'm trying to figure this out as I'm writing this, so bear with me, okay? First off, I'm not searching for a religion, I am merely just trying to define what I believe in, and i decided to share it with you. How you respond is, as always, entirely up to you.
Let's start with my parents. My mom was raised in a Mormon family, though by the time she was a teenager her and her brother would play cards in the car wall the rest of the family was at church. My dad was raised Catholic until he was thirteen, then he's parents converted to scientology, a "religion" that has been negatively interracting with some people dear to me, ever since. My dad is no longer a scientologist, but he did have trouble when my sister was first put on medication for her ADHD. Though he has come a long way since then, I don't think he'll be joining my mother's anti-scientology "cult" (my brother, his wife, my girlfriend and I have all been converted by her into the ways of anti-scientology, so we tell her she has a cult) anytime soon.
In fifth grade I meant to Mormon church for a little under a year, but more as a social thing than a spiritual thing.
Last year, I went to THE mega church, Saddleback Church, and at first it started as a social thing, but soon it became somewhat spiritual for me. I was baptised there one night, and at that moment, I did accept Jesus into my heart. I know it's corny, but it's true. I stopped going after the sex talk, when it was announced that being gay was a sin. I mean, yes, I should've seen it coming, but I couldn't help but thinking that they were going to say it was okay, and then everything was going to be so much easier because then at elast half the people at my school (i'm not kidding) wouldn't believe I was a sinner for being so in love with another girl. I ended up leaving with Myriam right after they announced that and we cried outside of teh building until the end of the service. When her mom found out what happened, she went inside of the building and bitched out some of the people who partook in the sermon for having scarred to teenage girls. You know what the worst part is? One of the people there assumed they knew what she was going through because he brother was gay. I don't think anyone can understand the feeling of a mother knowing someone made her daughter feel like scum. Yes, they worded it nicely and all that jazz, but when it comes down to it, they still said that God rejected us. God rejected us for loving someone and there was nothing we could do about it but stop loving them. Which is totally lame, because if God created me, then he created me a lesbian. I know that in the eyes of Christian's I chose this, but why would anyone choose to be ridiculed for lust? Honestly. Seriously, some of these people honestly believe that we choose to fall in love. I don't think anyone chooses to fall in love, whether it be with a man or woman.
This year I have been to The City Church, Inland Empire once or twice. My birth mom and my brother Carson's family go there and it is so much more spiritual than Saddleback. You don't have to believe in God to feel it either. There's about 20 people in a small room in the holiday in and Jack, the preacher, is passionately preaching into the heart and soul of every person in that room.
So as to what I currently believe? I believe that the bible is full of stories on how to conduct your life, and I don't necessarily believe in all of them. I believe that there is something out there, watching, maybe pulling our strings, who rewards us for doing something good. I do pray, and my prayers are usually answered, so I make sure to thank for the good things in life too. I don't know for sure if anyone is listening to them, but I hope so. And maybe that's what I believe in. Hope.
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