So Darrien and I are casually dating now.

At first I really wanted him to stop playing with me, and tell me straight up what was going on with us, but now, I'm not sure. I want to stay in this weird in between state as much as he does. I really love him, and I love being with him, but something in the back of my mind tells me that now's not the time.

I asked him if we could just be chill. Still go on dates, but not be a couple. School's starting. I'm scared to walk the halls without holding his hand and kissing him between classes, but at the same time I need to stop being such a pussy.

I don't want to be a girl that has to be in a relationship and can't stand being single. Because there's nothing wrong with being single. There's something wrong if you're in a relationship so you're not single.
I really love him, but I don't even know if I can handle this right now.

I'm such a bitch to him all the time, and he's short tempered and needs a lot of attention.

Then again, we're still treating each other the same as we were before. Just less sex.

The other day, I went over to his house, and we actually ended up topless kissing. We didn't go farther. I don't regret it. I'm actually really flattered that he took off his binder in front of me. He stopped doing that in the last couple months we were together.

I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

So Darrien broke up with me six days ago.

The first couple days I was fine.

we talked all the time we saw eachother

It was as if we were still in a relationship just not kissing.

Two days ago it hit me and I have been broken hearted ever since.

I've been kind of a bitch about it too.

But I think he deserves it.

I would be okay with it too if it was because of my asshole attitude or something, but he's using some lame excuse about how he needs to find himself.

You don't find yourself.

You make yourself.

Searching won't get you fucking anywhere.

I tried to explain this to him, but he won't fucking listen.

He wants to get back together as soon as he finds himself.

I feel like he's just trying to teach me a lesson.

Like he's trying to train me to be less of a bitch.

I sent him this. I cried when I read it.

And it's totally true.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Our problem is
that we both have different ideas of who we are
and the more we realize that these ideas are wrong instead of accepting it and loving eachother for who we are
we push more for who we want the other person to be
Our problem is
that we don't want eachother anymore
we need each other
we aren't with each other because it makes us happy
we're with each other because we can't be without
Our problem is
that we're eachother's best friends
and that's going to be really awkward
Our problem is
that keep comparing our relationship to how it used to be
Our relationship is fine how it is
but because it is different
we want to "fix" it
Our problem is
that instead of talking to you
I'm sitting here typing it to the world

Baby Chicks cupcakes for Easter

sorry this one's so out of focus! :/

They were based on these:

So they didn't turn out how I wanted them too, but whatever. They're cute. Just not very photogenic.

The Cake:

Just normal vanilla cupcakes made from a Betty Crocker box

The top:

vanilla icing dyed yellow. After I iced the tops I smashed the cupcakes into a plate of tinted yellow coconut (the instructions are on the back of the coconut bag). Next Darrien made the faces. We left the candies at my place so we just used whatever he had around. Which turned out to be pearls and odd shaped sprinkles.

Frostings Cupcakes

So I finally got to stop by Frostings yesterday. And I have to say, it was amazing.

I had the red velvet, and it was totally delicious.

Darrien had German Chocolate. It was yummy too. I had some. :D

This is me with my red velvet cupcake.

Goodnight

Goodnight, baby. Sh*t quality

I want to sleep

All I want is sleep I just want to fall asleep in my bed with Seth in my arms and his voicei n my head I want to hear his voice on the phone I don't even want to make out what he's saying I want to stop crying ---- I want to ask him to call me and stop telling me that he only wants to talk on facebook it kills me every time I know it would be super duper selfish of me to ask him to get off and call I know how frustrating it is for him He's so stressed out right now I need to stop making it worse I just want to make him happy but I also want to sleep

Chocolate Chunk Suprise Cupcakes

Chocolate Chunk Surprise Cupcakes for Kevin

I made this cupcakes, but first, I wanted to show you my new mixer!

It's red

Recipe from the book What's New Cupcake?

Ingredients:

• 1 box of Duncan Hines Devil's Food Cake cake mix

1 cup of buttermilk, 1/2 cup of vegetable oil, 4 eggs (instead of whatever the back of the box says)

• 2 cans of Ducan Hines chocolate frosting (Normal peope only need one. I just use a lot of frosting)


• 24 Dove caramel filled milk chocolate I'mnotsurewhatthey'recalleds (or whatever small caramel filled chocolates you prefer, book suggest mini 3 muskateers)

Tools:

• cute cupcake liners that were on sale at Michael's (definitely a must)


• Freezer weight ziplock bags (must be freezer if you decide to use bags)


• normal cupcake baking materials? (Pans, oven, etc.)

Baking Instructions:

1. Mix Devil's food cake mix with 1 cup of buttermilk, 1/2 cup of oil, and 4 eggs. Yea, that's right. I snuck in another shot of my mixer!


2. Pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees F. Line your pan with your super cute cupcake liners! I like to pre-heatafter I mix because I always spend so long mixing taht the ovens preheated and ready to go before the batter is near the pan!


3. Fill your cupcake liners 1/2 to 2/3 of the way. Normally, you woud fill them 2/3 of the way, but there may not be room for it in this recipe C: **I like to fill a ziplock bag with the cake mix to fill the liners. It was hard the first time but once I got the hang of it it made my life so much easier!


4. Now for the "surprise." Take your caramel filled chocolate and place it in the center of your cupcake. I don't suggest pushing it all the way in. I did this and I had dimples in the middle of my cupcakes, and some where more like holes than dimples...


5. Bake according to directions. You're done baking!

Frosting Instructions:

The frosting was really simple, and felt totally relieving after all the back breaking hours I spent frosting cupcakes in the past month.

1. Fill a ziplock baggy with icing. I prefer to do one can per bag, but that's just me. Cut 1/4 to 1/2 inch of an opening.


2. Just squeeze straight on it and see what shape you get! I did not frost to the edges.

And you're done! Here's what I got:

Weight update 4/6/2011

Weight: 110.5 Time weighed: 5:07 pm What I've consumed:

• water to take my meds with (I know this has no calories)


• one cookie


• about 5 bites of leftover chicken pasta stuff (can't think of what it's called)


• 1 can of sunkist

So I've lost some weight. Really freaking out. I had half a pie for dinner last night, which led to me being sick to my stomach this morning when it came time for breakfast. I also left my lunch at home. I came home and tried to eat my pasta, but after I ate two pieces of broccoli (which were soggy and tasted funky because of being stuck in a box with bad pasta) and some tomato (which I just plain don't like) I gave up. I haven't had dinner yet though. Hopefully that will go better. Until then, I just have to eat like crazy. Wish me luck >.<

Food Diary?

I decided I'm going to keep track of my weight and what I've been eating every day, and maybe even mention what I've been doing as far as exercize goes. I'm not sure what to label it, but I'm starting it right after I post this...

Another bad poem and more insecurities

Nails chewed and eyebrows half gone, you can tell when she is stressed out. A nervous wreck, she sits there and figits. Playing with her ring to fight the urge to shout. Tell me why, why do I feel this way? Why does it feel like the end is today? Her fingers shaking, her mind a steady unease as I try and hook each crochet. One and, two and... she counts to herself If only she could do this all day Tell me why, why do I feel this way? Why does it feel like the end is today? Her thoughts bounce around, screaming at her her hearts beating out of her chest Please, be quiet and let me be! Some mornings she can't even get dressed. Tell me why, why do I feel this way? Why does it feel like the end is today? She stares at the bones protruding her skin and her veins bulging, they're trying to be free. But their little blue legs are far too weak, They'll never find their liberty. Tell me why, why do I feel this way? Why does it feel like the end is today? Bravely she strips, and her bare feet meet the linoleum She exhales and steps on the scale. She opens her eyes and looks at her the screen She's gained weight, but why does she look like a rail? Tell me why, why do I feel this way? Why does it feel like the end is today?

Shark Attack

So I finally started my period. It's been at least a month and a half. I know I skipped because my friend who usually gets her period a week before me, as gone through shark week twice.... I was freaking out, because I knew I wasn't pregnant? Darrien obviously can't impregnate me, seeing as he doesn't have a penis. I was talking to him about it and he pointed out my weight. That scares me. What if I have less than 11% body fat? That's crazy. I've been gaining weight. Everyone says I'm looking skinnier though. But I weigh 111.5 (I weighed myself--naked--right before I wrote this), and I was still getting my period when I was 104. Then again, that was around the time that my period started going out of wack. I can't even try to compare to Darrien's because he started taking birth control and then anti-birthcontrol (which doesn't get you pregnant, which is what I thought it would do based on the name. It's what your supposed to take before T if you're possibly still going through puberty) and now back on birth control because his mom is scared to put him on hormones, which is what birth control is. So his hormones are out of wack. My sister's crazy so I can't compare myself to her either. My period's really light too. I wasn't even sure I started it at first. It was lighter than when I started my period in fifth grade--I had a few spots on my undies, but not enough to be sure. But now there was probably 3 pin sized spots of what looked like paprika dotting the inside of my white women's boy shorts. I'm really scared and confused. I didn't get to tell Darrien because he had a therapy session and his mom won't let him take hormones and lied to him about his knife. It's been a very emotional night for him. I'm worried about him aswell. This is too much. I want to sleep and never wake up. But then I won't see him anymore. I want to fall asleep in his arms. There that's better. I feel comfortable knowing that no one will read this. At least, no one I know. Maybe someone will read this. This is me putting my thoughts out there, not sharing my thoughts with people who care. Is that bad? Am I hiding who I am from my close friends? I guess I am. I'm sorry if you read through this whole thing and you ended up being attacked by a whole lot of low self esteem. If low self esteem can attack. I'm not usually like this. But that's what the blogs for.